GIF89a GIF89a parenting - Malfeasance https://www.malfeasance.io A Cautionary Tale from the Family Court System Fri, 06 Aug 2021 16:08:18 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=7.0 2019_10_31_17_15.mp3 https://www.malfeasance.io/document/2019_10_31_17_15-mp3/ Fri, 06 Aug 2021 12:51:52 +0000 https://doc.bradpayne.org/?post_type=dlp_document&p=325 Audio of Kim using profanity around kids, right after bringing it up as an issue, and right before Rowan used “What the fuck?”

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]]> Audio of Kim using profanity around kids, right after bringing it up as an issue, and right before Rowan used “What the fuck?”

The post 2019_10_31_17_15.mp3 first appeared on Malfeasance.

]]> Use of Profanity Around the Children https://www.malfeasance.io/co-parenting/324/ Sun, 03 Nov 2019 13:54:27 +0000 https://doc.bradpayne.org/?p=324 After having repeated discussions about our difference of opinion regarding the use of profanity around children, and making no headway with Kim, I brought the issue to Dr. James to see if he had an opinion, and he could either give me another perspective, or gain some ground with Kim. Until that point, when I…

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]]> After having repeated discussions about our difference of opinion regarding the use of profanity around children, and making no headway with Kim, I brought the issue to Dr. James to see if he had an opinion, and he could either give me another perspective, or gain some ground with Kim. Until that point, when I had said that she (although, I’d use “we” so as to not “attack her”) should not use profanity (especially fuck, shit, etc.) around the kids, her response was that “we’ll just tell them that there are grown up words and kid words.”

I was not satisfied with this response, because it implies a level of comprehension and reasoning that simply doesn’t exist in children 18months and 3yrs old who are just learning how to use words, and are using mimicry to learn. There is an email that documents this concern to Dr. James on Oct. 29th. I spoke with him about that email in a session on Oct. 30th, and then on October 31st (Halloween), as I was bringing the kids home from trick-or-treating, Kim was in the driveway talking to our neighbors. As I joined her with the kids, her use of profanity didn’t stop, so I recorded an example of it:

Just a few days later (Nov. 3rd), I was giving my 3yr old daughter a bath, and I couldn’t find a bar of soap that I had just dropped under the suds. After 30 seconds of looking for it, I said “What in the world?” At which point, my 3yr old daughter said “No daddy, you have to say ‘What the fuck?'” The appropriate use of context was what threw me the most off-guard. I very gently told her that is not a word for her to use.

I didn’t appreciate being put in the situation to have to tell my daughter to not use a word that she hears Kim use all of the time – she definitely shouldn’t be reprimanded for it, and wasn’t old enough to understand why she couldn’t say it, if Kim always did. I brought this up to Kim as it happened, her reaction is below.


The lack of willingness to co-parent on this, and then the immediate manipulation of what was being said was the more frustrating than predicting this just a few days prior. Kim immediately falls into using manipulation of the situation:

  1. It’s completely normal – “every 3yr old says this …”
  2. “Don’t say that 3yr old don’t say that…” (I didn’t say they don’t, I said they shouldn’t)
  3. “Don’t attack me. That’s not how you approach things. What you should have said was [almost exactly what I did say].”

I’m not sure how much of this is due to the fact that she seemed to have thought I was telling her this anecdote as a laughable moment to share…which was odd, due to the very recent discussions and disagreements about profanity, including with Dr. James.

 

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