GIF89a GIF89a Moving - Malfeasance https://www.malfeasance.io A Cautionary Tale from the Family Court System Wed, 17 Nov 2021 02:30:59 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=7.0 20191202_sorry_things_got_crazy-1.pdf https://www.malfeasance.io/document/20191202_sorry_things_got_crazy-1-pdf/ Wed, 17 Nov 2021 01:41:37 +0000 https://doc.bradpayne.org/?post_type=dlp_document&p=894 Kim Starts Looking for Jobs in Alabama https://www.malfeasance.io/moving/881/ Tue, 16 Nov 2021 22:03:34 +0000 https://doc.bradpayne.org/?p=881 While communicating to me that we are pressing forward with our plans for moving to Minnesota, she was secretly trying to get a job in Alabama. She communicated this to a number of people, including neighbors, and my own family members, all with the same either sentiment or explicit statement to “fuck Brad, because it was…

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]]> While communicating to me that we are pressing forward with our plans for moving to Minnesota, she was secretly trying to get a job in Alabama. She communicated this to a number of people, including neighbors, and my own family members, all with the same either sentiment or explicit statement to “fuck Brad, because it was her turn to do what she wanted.”

What is so outrageous about this behavior is not just the deception, the impact to the children, and the implications of the kind of person who would go into weekly sessions with a therapist to work on co-parenting and planning our post-divorce relationship (for the interest of the children), but this notion that “it was her turn,” was based on this narrative that she’d made conscious decisions to sacrifice her career for mine.

This narrative was not only factually inaccurate, but she had already admitted to not even believing it herself. This narrative was based around the moves around the country that had taken place during our relationship, and she had built a narrative that she was the victim of these moves (willing or not), only after the fact. She even testified in the emergency hearing that “we moved several times for Brad’s job.” Well, here are the moves that took place:

  1. New York: I had already taken a job in NYC when I met Kim at my brother’s wedding in June of 2007. I moved to NYC shortly after we started dating, in August of 2007. and we started a  a long-distance dating relationship. Kim loved coming to NYC, and said that ever since her father moved to upstate New York and she started visiting NYC with him, it had been a dream of hers to someday live in NYC. By the end of 2007, Kim expressed an interest in moving to NYC, but made it very clear that this move was not for me, in fact, she would never make such a decision for anyone else, but especially for a man. Her company had an office in the financial district, and she could move without a significant impact to her job. My roommate’s girlfriend at the time was spending a lot of time at our place, and offered to split the rent of her apartment with her, if she wanted to do that. Kim moved to NYC, but instead of moving into my roommates’ girlfriends’ apartment and splitting her rent, just stayed at my apartment (which I later learned, she never communicated to the woman she had made the agreement with).
  2. Minnesota: After a couple of years in NYC, Kim started to communicate that she was unable to continue living in NYC. We were having frequent disagreements, and although living together in a small apartment, had begun to drift apart a bit. She would always blame her moodiness, and any ensuing arguments on the fact that she suffers from major-depressive disorder, and either the cocktail of drugs she was taking to cope with that, or non-sensical reasons like “not being around water,” like in Minnesota. So when our lease was up in April of 2009, Kim moved back to Minnesota, and I stayed in NYC. We continued a long-distance relationship, until it became clear that if we were going to continue our relationship, we needed to be in the same location, and take the next step in our relationship. In July of 2010, I moved to St. Paul from NYC, and started looking for jobs in Minnesota while continuing to temporarily work for the same company.
  3. Georgia: While looking for jobs in Minnesota, and finding that the job market was 2-3yrs behind what I had been working on in NYC, my manager left the company and our CIO asked me to take over his position. The caveat being that I would have to move back to NYC, or the Georgia, because the company did not support remote workers, and this role would require that I be in the same location as the team of engineers that I was leading. I told Kim that that I was being asked to assume this position, and that it would mean significantly more money and responsibility, but I’d have to be back in NYC or GA. We scheduled a trip to NYC in December of 2011 for me to meet with the CIO to discuss the position. I rented a room at one of the classic NYC hotels on the upper west side, and went to the meeting with the CIO, where he offered me the job. I told him that I like the sound of the offer, I just have a decision to make because my girlfriend didn’t take to NYC, and I didn’t imagine she’d love the idea of Georgia (given her progressive outlook, and open disdain for the south). When I got out of the meeting, I told Kim that I was offered the job – and her response was “I guess we’re moving to Georgia!” There was no conversation, which was pretty surprising to me. I was going to move, with or without Kim, and if it was without, that would be the end of our relationship. But, at that point, I was OK with that, as moving to Minnesota to take the “next step” in our relationship had not been a convincingly correct decision. I was told that the continued lack of happiness, mood swings, lack of physical relationship, and outbursts (such as the one in front of my brother as a house guest), were the result of a change of the drugs that she was taking to combat her depression, and that it would level off when she and her psychiatrist found the right dosage, but it was an ongoing struggle to find the drug that worked without severe side-effects. Part of me was cautiously optimistic that this “perfect cocktail” was coming soon, part of me would have felt guilty for not “standing by” her as she said she was struggling to find this pharmacological balance that would even out her personality. Those combined were enough for me to just “go with it,” to see how this worked out in Georgia. Despite her very vocal opinion of the south, and southerners, she said that she had contacts at the CDC and it was an opportunity of a lifetime to work work at the “Gold Standard,” of public health, and she had already started conversations with a woman (“Beth”, or “Betsy”), who would likely be able to get her a job there.

 

At some point, Kim had started this narrative that “she had sacrificed her career for mine.” And, as it was allowed to linger in the background for some unknown amount of time, due to a confluence of things relating to how interactions with Kim go:

  1. She distorts what you are staying in real-time, trying to shame/guilt you into conceding an argument, not for what you said, but for her reaction to what you said, regardless of whether or not her reaction to what was said was rational or justified.
  2. She bombards each interaction with so many things that require correction, that it is impossible to respond to every one.
  3. Anything that IS confronted is met with arguments without basic rationale, accompanied with either a guard of a disingenuous accusation (e.g. you’re essentially calling me stupid), or dramatic personal insults of her own, focused on things geared at shaming/guilting:
    1. (e.g. Last argument: Kim: “You have no care for me, because you’re a heartless prick”; (also Kim)”I don’t know how to say this delicately…I don’t like you, I don’t care about your feelings…”), but my use of the word “stupidity” for her previous actions regarding COVID precautions and our daughter was used as a weapon for the entirety of the argument, because I don’t stoop to the level of personal insults.
  4. Anything that is NOT immediately confronted immediately gets folded into her inventory of “agreed upon history” and she uses repetition to make those points stick.

 

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]]> Kim Requesting Affidavit from Dr. James (txt) https://www.malfeasance.io/document/kim-requesting-affidavit-from-dr-james-txt/ Tue, 10 Aug 2021 04:20:44 +0000 https://doc.bradpayne.org/?post_type=dlp_document&p=461 Kim requesting an affidavit from Dr. James

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]]> Kim requesting an affidavit from Dr. James

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]]> email_after_convo_re_sleeping_arrangement.pdf https://www.malfeasance.io/document/email_after_convo_re_sleeping_arrangement-pdf/ Mon, 09 Aug 2021 23:19:06 +0000 https://doc.bradpayne.org/?post_type=dlp_document&p=435 Email from Kim on Dec 27th 2019, asking that we go to Dr. James office to discuss details around moving to MN, among other references to Dr. James office being a “safe space.” The very next session is on Feb 14th, and when she gets caught trying to insert this new “verbal abuse” narrative. Over…

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]]> Email from Kim on Dec 27th 2019, asking that we go to Dr. James office to discuss details around moving to MN, among other references to Dr. James office being a “safe space.” The very next session is on Feb 14th, and when she gets caught trying to insert this new “verbal abuse” narrative. Over the following months, she attempts to manipulate her way out of this by holding two stories at the same time:

  1. Admits to Dr. James (after first denying it) that she used this allegation, and that it was unfounded and inaccurate.
  2. Starts to double-down on it with me (after first denying it)
  3. Gets caught inadvertently when I fwd an email from Kim to Dr. James where she is maintaining this accusation of verbal abuse to me, but has admitted to him that it was false. She also started seeing another therapist, without telling Dr. James.

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]]> Initial_back_and_forth_AL_Job.pdf https://www.malfeasance.io/document/initial_back_and_forth_al_job-pdf/ Mon, 09 Aug 2021 22:46:33 +0000 https://doc.bradpayne.org/?post_type=dlp_document&p=418 Kim giving me updates about her pursuit of a job in Alabama.

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]]> Kim giving me updates about her pursuit of a job in Alabama.

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]]> 20191108_dinner.m4a https://www.malfeasance.io/document/20191108_dinner-m4a/ Sun, 08 Aug 2021 05:40:24 +0000 https://doc.bradpayne.org/?post_type=dlp_document&p=399 email_20200520_kim_brad https://www.malfeasance.io/document/email_20200520_kim_brad/ Fri, 06 Aug 2021 09:45:25 +0000 https://doc.bradpayne.org/?post_type=dlp_document&p=301 Phone Call 10/16/2020 https://www.malfeasance.io/moving/449/ Sat, 17 Oct 2020 00:07:36 +0000 https://doc.bradpayne.org/?p=449 A phone call following Kim’s recent (same day) progression with her mortgage. Now that she had an additional level of borrowing approval, she gets bolder and makes demands about her plans to take the children to St. Paul. [[ AUDIO ]] Need to cut into clips – file is too big.

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]]> A phone call following Kim’s recent (same day) progression with her mortgage. Now that she had an additional level of borrowing approval, she gets bolder and makes demands about her plans to take the children to St. Paul.

[[ AUDIO ]] Need to cut into clips – file is too big.

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]]> Phone Calls RE: Custody on 9/14/2020 https://www.malfeasance.io/moving/537/ Mon, 14 Sep 2020 20:41:03 +0000 https://doc.bradpayne.org/?p=537 In our weekly call regarding the children, Kim starts her campaign to break the 50/50 arrangement that we had been operating under. She employs the various manipulative tactics that are seen throughout our interactions. Audio Summary Start Time Kim starts “primary caregiver” argument 02:40 Schools, etc. Including recap of past conversations. 14:11 Related: Kim’s Request…

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]]> In our weekly call regarding the children, Kim starts her campaign to break the 50/50 arrangement that we had been operating under. She employs the various manipulative tactics that are seen throughout our interactions.

Audio Summary Start Time
Kim starts “primary caregiver” argument 02:40
Schools, etc. Including recap of past conversations. 14:11

Related:

 
Initial Call – Full  
Follow Up Call – Full  

Manipulative Tactics Used

  1. By this point, I had told Kim that all decisions relating to the future of the children needs to be handled through the lawyers. Not because I wanted to delay the process, not because I wanted to run up legal bills, but because I was aware of the lying and manipulation taking place, and that I could not effectively counter it in-realtime, and having no documentation of the agreements that were or were not made. Despite this, Kim tries to strong-arm me into saying something, or agreeing to something directly to her in a series of calls that were intended to be used for discussing the ongoing raising of the children. 
  2. She bombards the conversation with assertions that I don’t agree with. If I stop to argue each point, she will “blow up the conversation” saying that I’m simply argumentative, or not willing to work. If I don’t argue the suppositions that she makes, she keeps making the assertion over, and over again so as to make it seem as though it is reality.
  3. She talks over you, with rapid points that are blatantly false, while maintaining this “fragility” and making accusations of being “verbally abused” if you counter one of her points, putting words into my mouth that I didn’t say.

  4. She is very deliberate about which points she’s going to argue, because she’s been setting them up:

    1. “No reason to believe that I’m going to keep the kids away from you..” an off-shoot of the refrain that she used since the beginning of divorce talks. “I’d never do anything to limit the time the kids have with you, I’m worried that you’d do that to me, because YOU have the power in the court system…” while she had been plotting all along to do precisely that.
    2. “you go into the basement…” a point that she complained to during the implementation of our “in-house separation” that I was not isolating myself to the basement “enough”
    3. “We don’t communicate…” I had been pushing for over a year to work on the co-parenting relationship, in a post-divorce model. She refused to engage in that, going so far as to say that “trust is not required for co-parenting,” both in conversation and it writing. She argues back and forth on why she’s unwilling to follow the state-provided framework for communication.
    4. “You didn’t have room’s setup..” She intentionally gave me very little notice before moving out of the house, and despite her claims of needing to tell the children on a timeline, together, she started telling Rowan and the neighbors about her moving out before she brought it up with me.
  5. The points about being the primary caregiver was clearly the point that she needed to stress. When coupled with a manufactured urgency in needing to move, she believed the “primary caregiver” role would allow a decision for her to take the kids with her. Once established with her, this would be hard to change. So, she perjured herself relating to any detail in order to establish herself as the “primary caregiver:”
    1. Medical
      1. Oliver chipping his tooth, and she dropped him off at my house with swollen face
      2. Antibiotics
      3. Medical records of visits
    2. Selection of, and involvement in, the kids’ daycares
    3. Involvement with arranging babysitters
    4. Manipulated neighbors and others into providing testimony that they were not comfortable with. 
  6. Trying to say that I don’t have the capacity “because of my super-intense job”
    1. I have made offers to quit my job and stay home with the kids, Kim derails that conversation, stating that I HAVE to be the bread-winner for the family
    2. I told her, that “I would make things work,” because the kids are my priority. The past year has been a demonstration of that.
      1. I took off work from October to January to focus on this divorce.
      2. I moved to Minneapolis days after she was granted the rights to take them, jeopardizing my job stability.
      3. I have been working 1/2 time in order to deal with constant issues coming out of Kim having care of the kids (e.g. Newman, etc)
    3. I started a new job in 2019, as we were discussing getting a divorce, in order to possibly have more flexibility, as my prior job certainly did not. In my new job, I was in way over my head, and needed to “earn my spot” in a project, that ended on June 15th. I needed to deliver this project in order to keep demonstrate my ability to perform in this new role. Kim took full advantage of this, acting as though this initial vigorous schedule was a permanent thing. 
      1. I hadn’t worked more than 40hrs a week since having kids, until this job
      2. Even when working in Duluth and Alpharetta, I took the kids to, and picked the kids up from school
      3. I took days off of work to take the kids on field trip, participated in other school events. I have always had the flexibility and desire to do this on my own, absent divorce “in the air.”
      4. Kim has shown neither the ability, nor desire to participate in the kids’ schools, until divorce came into the conversation. And going through the financial records, it’s clear that A LOT of her behavior in 2019 is explained in hindsight because she was already strategizing on how to manipulate the divorce process

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]]> Kim Communicating Updates About Alabama Job (May, 2020) https://www.malfeasance.io/moving/414/ Thu, 14 May 2020 22:41:15 +0000 https://doc.bradpayne.org/?p=414 On May 14th, Kim is communicating her progress in her plan to move with the kids to Alabama. I asked her to stop giving me these updates, so that I didn’t appear to be complicit with this decision, because I was not. I asked that these kinds of decisions relating to the kids be documented…

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]]> On May 14th, Kim is communicating her progress in her plan to move with the kids to Alabama. I asked her to stop giving me these updates, so that I didn’t appear to be complicit with this decision, because I was not. I asked that these kinds of decisions relating to the kids be documented through lawyers, because I needed these interactions “on the record.”

This discussion hightlighted in Yellow:

Related:

  • Same email:
    • Cooperative Co-Parenting (not parallel parenting)
    • Kim stating concern for Rowan’s emotional well-being
    • Kim stating that Dr. James allowed her to be “Verbally Abused”

 

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